Date: 2022-12-20 08:32 pm (UTC)
pamyat: (Default)
From: [personal profile] pamyat
It's highly irregular for a sun and moon pairing to separate, and Bucky knows this. Knows it will lead to questions he isn't prepared to answer, out of fear, out of depression, out of loyalty to Steve and the memory of all the good he's done. So what if Bucky is not at the top of that priority list? He's not the important one, here.

(He never has been. Not once this whole time. His chest hurts every time he's presented with the knowledge of just how true that is.)

There's a choosing ceremony, though Steve tells Bucky it's no big deal and Bucky, bereft and uncertain at the prospect of a long, immortal life without his best friend or, perhaps, of having that same life trapped in another areangement to the convenience of others with no regard to his own needs, believes him. Doesn't ask questions, just does as it gently suggested to him. Including granting a gift made by his own hands to one of three prospects.

He chooses Sam. Sam has a smile that makes his chest ache in a good way, has the richest brown skin Bucky has ever seen, and if Bucky didn't feel like an utter failure in every direction he might have managed to flirt back instead of just handing the bracelets he made over without a word.

He learns that this is what the entire ceremony hinged on, the moon choosing a new sun, and once he's finished being angry at being lied to (somewhat at Steve but mostly at himself) Bucky tells himself that once Sam returns from his introductory tour of the mortal world, Bucky will get his shit together. He just. Needs to fall apart first.

The problem with this plan is that Sam doesn't go on any such tour. He's home, with Bucky, increasingly confused with the latter's behavior and attitude and skittishness which, hey. It confuses Bucky too. Plus he hates it. He feels unmoored and unhinged. His arrangement with Steve was never great but he knew the steps, knew what was going to happen.

Sam is an unknown. An unknown he'd desperately would like to impress or at least come across as normal? Ish? To, only Bucky instead feels as though he's five minutes from a loud breakdown every meal they share in silence. His, mostly. Sam tries engaging him and Bucky manages a few answers but it's not exactly riveting conversation.

Bucky wakes up one morning to the realization that he's overslept. By a lot. And he feels like he's dying.

He doesn't want to call for Sam. He'd rather call Nat, the Guiding Sta, but her last guidance had been 'in the name of all we are, James, just try telling Sam what you need. Or anyone what you need. For once," and he doesn't know what that is.

He knows what it isn't.

It takes a few tries to get his voice to work beyond the fear and self-loathing and whatever other toxic feelings cocktail he's currently under emotionally. But he calls Sam's name a few times and when he hears the footsteps approaching manages to say "I can't do this again."

Date: 2022-12-21 05:57 am (UTC)
pamyat: (SS_24)
From: [personal profile] pamyat
"Another eclipse alone," Bucky admits miserably. "I get so cold that I can't think of how to warm up. And it's just so lonely." He screws his eyes shut. "God I sound pathetic. Like you ain't got better shit to do than pit up with my nonsense."

Sam's hands are warm like a summer afternoon and Bucky presses his cheek to them. "I've been really shit and I'm sorry. Steve was never here, you know? He had shit to do. I'm not used to having someone around."
Edited Date: 2022-12-21 05:58 am (UTC)

Date: 2022-12-21 05:49 pm (UTC)
pamyat: (SS_22)
From: [personal profile] pamyat
It’s nice. Really nice. Sam in his arms, falling asleep, waking up to Sam still there before the panic that he might be alone even gets a chance to take root.

The rest would be embarrassing — the part where Sam touches him for just a moment and he's already hard even though he has no energy to follow through, isn't even clear on whether or not Sam would want that, the part where Sam guides him inside and just holds him there — if Bucky were less exhausted. Less touch starved.

He cares about Sam a lot. Remembers, now, cajoling Steve to take him to the In Between bar just so he could look at the bartender and daydream. That was ages ago. Does Sam remember him, too?

He's afraid to ask. Recognizes he's not in much of a position to offer anything, anyway. He falls asleep again like that, in Sam's arm, inside Sam's body, until he wakes up, blinking.

"Sam." Quiet, but insisten. "I'm gonna... if you don't want me to, I'm..." Embarrassment colors his features as Bucky tries to remember how to breathe. He doesn't want to cum inside of Sam if Sam doesn't want him to, feels a little pathetic even then — they're not having sex, neither of them is moving — but his body is nearing release.

If Sam becomes disgusted with him it might break his heart even further. He's terrified of that. Even more than he was afraid of Sam's indifference.

Date: 2022-12-21 08:01 pm (UTC)
pamyat: (SS_66)
From: [personal profile] pamyat
'Anything you need' Sam says, and all Bucky can think is that he needs Sam. His warmth and his light that isn't too bright to look at directly. The softness of his hands on Bucky's skin. The way it feels when Bucky's cock twitches inside of Sam.

He sighs, and settles back into Sam's embrace. It keeps happening, the little orgasms, and every time Sam is awake for it Bucky receives a kiss, small praise.

It's very comforting.

The room changes while they're cuddling in there. The blankets thicken up, the bed becomes softer and warmer, sturdier all around. The room becomes less draftyas Bucky's core temperature climbs, and even the wallpaper brightens up.

Date: 2022-12-22 12:48 am (UTC)
pamyat: (Default)
From: [personal profile] pamyat
"Better," Bucky admits, feeling a little bashful, but also curious about the phone call. "I'm sorry. Not just for yesterday but the whole thing. I know it's been... weird, and I've been needy, and I'll do what I can to try and get my shit together so you can go tour..."

The words spill out of Bucky in a rush, guilt rising in his throat. Sam is supposed to be for the people of the world, not focused on the Bucky Barnes show.

Date: 2022-12-22 09:57 pm (UTC)
pamyat: (SS_37)
From: [personal profile] pamyat
"Not sure there was ever anything worth mourning," Bucky mumbles, but Sam's soft kisses pull him from going down that path for long. Besides: "The Council?"

A sma puzzled frown. "They never asked about me before."

Correction: Steve Rogers never told Bucky they asked about him. Different.

Date: 2022-12-22 10:26 pm (UTC)
pamyat: (SS_06)
From: [personal profile] pamyat
"...huh." And for a while Bucky is quiet. Turning that over in his mind. Feeling Sam's fingers in his hair and being pleased about it. Glad someone is around to touch him, talk to him, consider him.

"Seeing them would be weird," he says, suddenly. "The Council, I mean. They all told me to follow my instincts, with Steve, and they probably think that went well, but it didn't, and... they think so highly of him, all of them, and I don't want to be the one to tell him that he's not great, all the time."

Bucky closes his eyes and breathes. "He would never do this. Just touch. We kinda... we had a system, 'cuz otherwise things got too tense. Between us. And I hated it, but he didn't want me and he was my best friend but I don't. Think. He was that even for a really long time." His breath shudders. "That sounds... terrible. Like I'm an asshole. But he would never do this. I stopped going out because he got annoyed. I only wanted to go to that bar you worked at. He thought I was gonna spend eternity drinking or something, he was embarrassed, I guess, and telling him how I felt was... Like how could I waste his time with something so dumb, so trivial, when the whole world needed him?

So I stopped." Bucky swallows. "I stopped. Going out. Talking to anyone. Keeping track of anything. I know you're friends, I don't..." He opens his eyes. "Sorry. I just. Nat said i should be honest with you, but I'm terrified that if I feel better then you'll be gone, and I'll be here, and it won't...? So I want to feel better and I do when you're here but I can't. I can't have an arrangement like that. I can't do it anymore."

He's crying, he realizes, tears just streaming down his face. He feels angry. At himself. At Steve. At the memory of the friend he loved so much who just became a thing for other people in the end. Who always chose someone else. "Ugh."

Date: 2022-12-22 10:53 pm (UTC)
pamyat: (Default)
From: [personal profile] pamyat
"Why would they, I mean I don't..." He sniffs, wiping at his eyes with his sleeve even though Sam kissed all his tears away already. "I don't really. Do anything. I'm just home all the time and sad.

Besides. The sun kinda is the star of the show. Like. Literally. To the people." Right? Hes confused by that look on Sam's face. "What?"

Date: 2022-12-22 11:19 pm (UTC)
pamyat: (SS_82)
From: [personal profile] pamyat
"But I did. I mean I didn't... realize it was all so important, or what it meant but. I picked you. You're..." Bucky's nostrils flare a little bit and he stares at their hands. Together. "Beautiful and funny and you have the best laugh and I just. I used to go to the bar and watch you talk to people."

Which feels like a terrible thing to say. Because it feels like he betrayed Steve somehow. By... Developing a crush?

Falling in love at a distance?

"I made the bracelet with you in mind." Just gonna. Own up to that. "I heard you were there and I wanted to make something and then Steve saw it and said I should give it to someone and you. Were actually there. So."

A couple of things are rattling around in his brain right now. One, has he really been the moon for a century? Two... He knows what 'give of yourself' usually means in these circumstances. And he wants that. Really, really badly.

He just thinks he should be less of a disaster, maybe.

Date: 2022-12-22 11:47 pm (UTC)
pamyat: (SS_69)
From: [personal profile] pamyat
It kind of hits Bucky like a bag of bricks.

A lot of things fall into place, inside of him. That maybe this wasn't all his fault. Maybe he and Steve just weren't meant to be like that. Didn't mean that Bucky was the bad guy. Didn't mean he was undeserving.

Didn't mean he wasn't loved, too.

He's breathing faster than necessary, he realizes, and, well. He does love Sam. Can love Sam. Has no idea how to do that.

He knows how to kiss, though.

He comes in hot but starts soft for such an abrupt beginning. Nibbles gently at Sam's lower lip to get him to part them. Tastes summer in the kiss.

The light in the room shifts and Bucky opens his eyes. Puts a hand on Sam's cheek. "...woah."

It's Sam causing the the light to become so much more intense in the room. It shines out of his skin like something impossible, a far cry from Steve lighting up once a month.

Date: 2022-12-23 07:12 pm (UTC)
pamyat: (SS_46)
From: [personal profile] pamyat
"I didn't know," Bucky says softly, but Sam is probably getting the picture that there's quite a bit that Bucky didn't know or wasn't clear on in the last century.

Kind of a travesty.

"I've never been in love before. When Steve and I first..." He gestures between them. "Became immortal we were pretty young, early twenties? And the Council told us there was potential." A small shake of his head. "But it never really became anything."

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