Steve has been gone for a while now. That isn't unusual - he tends to do that. The world has much need of sunlight, after all, and while being the Sun isn't quite so literal, Steve often makes sure that he goes where people need him to shine. He always returns to Bucky, of course.
Eventually.
This time is no different, though he's cutting it close. They go into a mutual heat and rut about once a month, when they can no longer avoid letting their bodies drive them a bit. When they have to indulge in each other to fuel the power exchange that lets Steve exist as a beacon of all things good and right in the world. He's already pulling off his pants when he's through the door, calling out for Bucky.
He's distracted, thoughts elsewhere while they sit on the bed, get their palms slick and start touching each other. Steve's large hands are gentle, but he's clearly in a rush. Halfway through he remembers to tell Bucky they need to finish fast - Steve has things to do and organize.
After, he tells Bucky the reason: He met someone. A mortal woman in England. She's beautiful and kind and he wants to marry her. He wants to be with her. He wants to grow old with her.
Steve has already organized half of his retirement ceremony while he was out on his latest trip and getting to know her. It's practically a done deal by the time he tells Bucky, excited to share all of this with his best friend of more than a century. Steve does not notice that Bucky isn't nearly as enthused as Steve seems to believe him to be. The next few days are flurries of activity, whirlwind of Steve telling Bucky about everything tehy need to get done in order for Steve to step down and pass on the mantle.
He doesn't say that he's passing Bucky along with it. But they both know it to be true.
It's highly irregular for a sun and moon pairing to separate, and Bucky knows this. Knows it will lead to questions he isn't prepared to answer, out of fear, out of depression, out of loyalty to Steve and the memory of all the good he's done. So what if Bucky is not at the top of that priority list? He's not the important one, here.
(He never has been. Not once this whole time. His chest hurts every time he's presented with the knowledge of just how true that is.)
There's a choosing ceremony, though Steve tells Bucky it's no big deal and Bucky, bereft and uncertain at the prospect of a long, immortal life without his best friend or, perhaps, of having that same life trapped in another areangement to the convenience of others with no regard to his own needs, believes him. Doesn't ask questions, just does as it gently suggested to him. Including granting a gift made by his own hands to one of three prospects.
He chooses Sam. Sam has a smile that makes his chest ache in a good way, has the richest brown skin Bucky has ever seen, and if Bucky didn't feel like an utter failure in every direction he might have managed to flirt back instead of just handing the bracelets he made over without a word.
He learns that this is what the entire ceremony hinged on, the moon choosing a new sun, and once he's finished being angry at being lied to (somewhat at Steve but mostly at himself) Bucky tells himself that once Sam returns from his introductory tour of the mortal world, Bucky will get his shit together. He just. Needs to fall apart first.
The problem with this plan is that Sam doesn't go on any such tour. He's home, with Bucky, increasingly confused with the latter's behavior and attitude and skittishness which, hey. It confuses Bucky too. Plus he hates it. He feels unmoored and unhinged. His arrangement with Steve was never great but he knew the steps, knew what was going to happen.
Sam is an unknown. An unknown he'd desperately would like to impress or at least come across as normal? Ish? To, only Bucky instead feels as though he's five minutes from a loud breakdown every meal they share in silence. His, mostly. Sam tries engaging him and Bucky manages a few answers but it's not exactly riveting conversation.
Bucky wakes up one morning to the realization that he's overslept. By a lot. And he feels like he's dying.
He doesn't want to call for Sam. He'd rather call Nat, the Guiding Sta, but her last guidance had been 'in the name of all we are, James, just try telling Sam what you need. Or anyone what you need. For once," and he doesn't know what that is.
He knows what it isn't.
It takes a few tries to get his voice to work beyond the fear and self-loathing and whatever other toxic feelings cocktail he's currently under emotionally. But he calls Sam's name a few times and when he hears the footsteps approaching manages to say "I can't do this again."
The excitement wears off fast, leaving Sam unhappy and utterly confused.
Don't get him wrong - he expected things to be a bit rocky. He's existed in the Inbetween for a while now, just a mortal engaging with the world of those who are not. Like many, he stumbled his way into learning of the supernatural by sheer accident one day. Like few, he's taken to that mostly unshakeable. For years since he's worked at the Gift Basket, a bar for those like him. The bar is a bit of a community hub. It serves the usual (and unusual) drinks of both worlds, but mostly oak known for serving the Gift Basket - a blackout kind of mixture of alcohols that every patron is served once - and only once - the first time they visit the bar after learning that the world is wider than they knew before. It helps them cope.
Point is, he knows how things work pretty damn well from all angles. Knows that sun and moon separating isn't unheard of but extremely unusual. Sam knows Steve Rogers, would call them friends if he he thought someone who has existed as little more than a symbol could have those. Served him drinks a few times. Even to the moon, here and there over the years. The moon is a recluse by choice, as Steve Roger's explains. Not one for company. Not one for travel, either. Sam's a little ashamed of how much those blue eyes stay with him after the very few times he saw him, mostly from a distance. Harmless to crush on a pretty face of.someone beyond your reach, right?
Except then Steven Rogers names him a potential successor without asking and everything happens very fast after that.
The thing is if Steve had asked, Sam would have said no, probably. The Sun is important, but the Sun is also in a partnership with the Moon, and given what little he has heard about Bucky Barnes, Sam's not sure he can meet the man's needs - and that's not even regarding the needs of the world at large. Because Sam wants to help, sure, but he's not sure he can be the kind of symbol Steve Rogers was. Again: he's just a guy.
And then Bucky Barnes chooses him and tips his world upside down.
Sam has two thoughts simultabeously: fuck yes and oh no.
In the end the thrill of being chosen by his future... spouse? Partner? Outweighs Sam's personal feelings on anything else.
It goes to shit from there, and fast.
For being the person who chose Sam, Bucky is distant. Aloof. Sam gets the impression he's not liked nor wanted. So while Steve Rogers travels to England to marry the love of his life, Sam stares down the barrel of immortality shared with a man who doesn't care for his company.
Perhaps he misjudged the choosing. Perhaps Barnes chose because he had to, not because he wanted to. Perhaps Barnes loved the man who left him and is now bereft. So Sam is now caught between sympathy and annoyance, and feels like the situation is fair to neither of them.
He postpones travels. The world won't go to shit without him travelling, his blessings are entirely optional, and he cannot bring warmth and magic when no strength is shared and given between him and his moon. But Bucky is so clearly and obviously unwell that Sam cannot fathom asking to make plans, nor could he justify leaving him behind. Wants to be able to.offer a shared journey, at least. One day, when Bucky can stand the sight of him, perhaps.
It comes as a surprise when one early afternoon, Bucky calls for.him after not showing his face all day. This has not happened before. In fact Sam feels like Bucky might have spoken about three words to him since Sam moved in.
Sam goes to his room, more curious than concerned until he enters the room, and hears those words.
For a moment, he can't move. The room is miserably cold, physically and its very energy, and everything feels gloomy and grey. Bucky looks like he hasn't gotten out of bed at all today, and Sam takes quick strides to his bedside. Sits on the edge of the mattress and touches Bucky's forehead. No fever, but...
"Shit, man, you're cold as ice..."
He's so cold to the touch it scares, Sam, and for a moment he doesn't know what to do about this. How do you deal with someone who is immortal but this kind of sick? Either way, warmth is needed. So Sam takes Buck's ice cold hands in his, gentle, to share warmth.
"Another eclipse alone," Bucky admits miserably. "I get so cold that I can't think of how to warm up. And it's just so lonely." He screws his eyes shut. "God I sound pathetic. Like you ain't got better shit to do than pit up with my nonsense."
Sam's hands are warm like a summer afternoon and Bucky presses his cheek to them. "I've been really shit and I'm sorry. Steve was never here, you know? He had shit to do. I'm not used to having someone around."
"Ain't no better shit than dealing with a cantankerous old man, Bucky."
Sam softens the tease with a smile, a cocked eyebrow. Because yeah - Bucky's been kinda shit. But sounds like there's been plenty reason for it. Sounds like he's been miserable for reasons that surprise Sam - make him feel incensed on Bucky's behalf. But that's a conversation for later. For now...
"You're not alone - I'm here. Ain't going anywhere."
He holds Bucky's face for a moment longer, then pulls back. Gently hushes Bucky's noise of protest, then climbs under the blanket with him. Makes sure the blanket is tucked nicely around the two of them, up to their chins, then encourages Bucky to crowd in.
"Let's get you warmed up, alright?"
Sharing body heat is easy, after all. Sam knows there's an.expectation for the sun and moon to be romantically and physically involved. Heard all the tales of Steve Roger's and Bucky Barnes. A love story for the ages. Now he questions the validity of all of that.
They rest like that, curled up together for a long while. Sam whispers snippets of conversation to fill not just the bed but also hopefully Bucky's thought with a semblance.of warmth. It helps, but not enough. So eventually, the clothes have got to go. Sam's gentle but practical about it. Doesn't want to push for too much too fast, but has to make.sure Bucky's needs are met here.
They spend another few hours dozing like that, skin to skin. Bucky shivering against Sam, who struggles to keep them.both warm. It's cozy.
It's not enough.
"I need you to trust me. Just relax."
Whispered against the shell of Bucky's ear. Sam likes to have a little more enthusiasm in his consent, but this isn't exactly a normal.kind of situation. So he reaches between his legs. The angle is awkward but he can't pull away from Bucky. Fingers himself enough to get some slick, then gently circles Bucky's soft cock with the same fingers.
Wonders if Steve ever did this for Bucky. Wonders how much Bucky had to miss.
It doesn't take much to coax Bucky into hardness, and Sam doesn't do more than that initially. Just cards his free hand through Buckys hair, whispers gentle encouragement into his ear. And when Bucky feels solid enough in his hand, he shifts them a little. Cradles the man between his legs and guides him inside. Can tell Bucky isn't well enough for more than this, but that's alright.
He just wants to keep Bucky warm for now.
"Rest," he whispers, just holding Bucky in his arms and in his body. "Ain't going anywhere."
It’s nice. Really nice. Sam in his arms, falling asleep, waking up to Sam still there before the panic that he might be alone even gets a chance to take root.
The rest would be embarrassing — the part where Sam touches him for just a moment and he's already hard even though he has no energy to follow through, isn't even clear on whether or not Sam would want that, the part where Sam guides him inside and just holds him there — if Bucky were less exhausted. Less touch starved.
He cares about Sam a lot. Remembers, now, cajoling Steve to take him to the In Between bar just so he could look at the bartender and daydream. That was ages ago. Does Sam remember him, too?
He's afraid to ask. Recognizes he's not in much of a position to offer anything, anyway. He falls asleep again like that, in Sam's arm, inside Sam's body, until he wakes up, blinking.
"Sam." Quiet, but insisten. "I'm gonna... if you don't want me to, I'm..." Embarrassment colors his features as Bucky tries to remember how to breathe. He doesn't want to cum inside of Sam if Sam doesn't want him to, feels a little pathetic even then — they're not having sex, neither of them is moving — but his body is nearing release.
If Sam becomes disgusted with him it might break his heart even further. He's terrified of that. Even more than he was afraid of Sam's indifference.
Equally quiet. Sam feels pleasantly drowsy, having dozed alongside Bucky. Sharing his warmth with his moon. Resting. It's nice like this, Bucky pleasantly cool and soothing instead of ice cold to the touch now. Sampets his hair. Shifts a little to allow Bucky to slide just a little deeper. Gives a happy little sigh at that, utterly content with the feeling.
"You can."
A soft kiss to Bucky's temple.
"Anything you need. Anything you want."
And when he feels the first twitch of Bucky's cock: 'you did so well. Thank you ." and Sam doesn't move away. Runs his hands over Bucky, quietly encouraging him to stay right there. To enjoy feeling his own warm cum make Sam's hole wetter and warmer around Bucky's cock.
'Anything you need' Sam says, and all Bucky can think is that he needs Sam. His warmth and his light that isn't too bright to look at directly. The softness of his hands on Bucky's skin. The way it feels when Bucky's cock twitches inside of Sam.
He sighs, and settles back into Sam's embrace. It keeps happening, the little orgasms, and every time Sam is awake for it Bucky receives a kiss, small praise.
It's very comforting.
The room changes while they're cuddling in there. The blankets thicken up, the bed becomes softer and warmer, sturdier all around. The room becomes less draftyas Bucky's core temperature climbs, and even the wallpaper brightens up.
If Sam has anywhere better to be, it does not show. For hours they just doze together, with Sam warming Bucky's cock and his bed, just letting his moon rest in comfort. Sometimes Sam's awake to feel and praise the small, comfortable orgasms Bucky shudders through. Sometimes he doesn't wake, just dozes. Sometimes, Bucky's not even fully awake for them either.
The room changes as the day turns to night and then the sky lights up slowly with dawn.
Bucky will stir to the soft sound of Sam's voice, speaking Arabic in a hushed voice into his phone. When he notices Bucky's eyes open, he reaches out a hand, runs it through his hair. Says something to the person on the other end of the line while keeping fond eyes on Bucky, then ends the conversation. Shoves the phone onto the bedside table and then scoots back in closer to Bucky.
"Better," Bucky admits, feeling a little bashful, but also curious about the phone call. "I'm sorry. Not just for yesterday but the whole thing. I know it's been... weird, and I've been needy, and I'll do what I can to try and get my shit together so you can go tour..."
The words spill out of Bucky in a rush, guilt rising in his throat. Sam is supposed to be for the people of the world, not focused on the Bucky Barnes show.
Sam doesn't quite shush Bucky, but burrows closer. Kisses his cheek. The corner of his mouth. Doesn't dare go further without permission.
"You've been mourning. You've been lonely. I'm sorry I didn't realize sooner that you needed more from me. I'm here now. And you can have this, Bucky. We're in this together - so I'll keep you warm. Having needs doesn't make you needy. Just means we find ways to get them met."
A vague gesture to the phone.
" I actually just spoke to the Council. Last time I was in touch with them, I asked for their patience while we bond. Today, they asked about you, and I told them we're still settling into our bond. They send their regards to you, and will not rush us. We can let them know when we're ready."
"Not sure there was ever anything worth mourning," Bucky mumbles, but Sam's soft kisses pull him from going down that path for long. Besides: "The Council?"
A sma puzzled frown. "They never asked about me before."
Correction: Steve Rogers never told Bucky they asked about him. Different.
Sam frowns a little, confused. Shifts and fusses with Bucky's hair a little. Just tugs it gently, this way and that. Because he can, and because he thinks otherwise he might be tempted to fuss with Bucky in different ways, which would take things too far right now. Besides... he likes this. Likes the casual way in which they're enjoying being physically connected. Sam doesn't want to spook Bucky by telling him that he really wouldn't mind if Bucky wanted to fully fuck him through the matress. Feels rude to say such things when BUcky's former lover (or so Sam thinks), is barely out of the house, and they're only here because Bucky had the physical need of his new mate.
Perhaps they'll get to be more for each other one day.
Sam longs for that, so much.
"They always ask me about you. Don't worry, I'm not sharing all the details. They'd love to see you, if and when you feel up to it." His fingertips drift from Bucky's hair to his cheeks. Trail over the rough stubble there. "Everyone knows you don't like coming out, so no one's expecting that to change. But they'd be very happy to see their moon again. But there's no pressure to do what's not comfortable to you, of course."
"...huh." And for a while Bucky is quiet. Turning that over in his mind. Feeling Sam's fingers in his hair and being pleased about it. Glad someone is around to touch him, talk to him, consider him.
"Seeing them would be weird," he says, suddenly. "The Council, I mean. They all told me to follow my instincts, with Steve, and they probably think that went well, but it didn't, and... they think so highly of him, all of them, and I don't want to be the one to tell him that he's not great, all the time."
Bucky closes his eyes and breathes. "He would never do this. Just touch. We kinda... we had a system, 'cuz otherwise things got too tense. Between us. And I hated it, but he didn't want me and he was my best friend but I don't. Think. He was that even for a really long time." His breath shudders. "That sounds... terrible. Like I'm an asshole. But he would never do this. I stopped going out because he got annoyed. I only wanted to go to that bar you worked at. He thought I was gonna spend eternity drinking or something, he was embarrassed, I guess, and telling him how I felt was... Like how could I waste his time with something so dumb, so trivial, when the whole world needed him?
So I stopped." Bucky swallows. "I stopped. Going out. Talking to anyone. Keeping track of anything. I know you're friends, I don't..." He opens his eyes. "Sorry. I just. Nat said i should be honest with you, but I'm terrified that if I feel better then you'll be gone, and I'll be here, and it won't...? So I want to feel better and I do when you're here but I can't. I can't have an arrangement like that. I can't do it anymore."
He's crying, he realizes, tears just streaming down his face. He feels angry. At himself. At Steve. At the memory of the friend he loved so much who just became a thing for other people in the end. Who always chose someone else. "Ugh."
Sam listens, something in his chest hurting oh so very deeply for the man currently nestled inside of him so intimately. This, though, Sam realizes, feels so much more intimate. The way Bucky falls apart, but lays himself bare. It breaks Sam's heart, and it humbles him too, to be allowed this moment of true vulnerability with Bucky.
He shifts closer. Just wraps himself fully around Bucky, offers skin and warmth and closeness that this man has been lacking in his life so sorely.
"I appreciate the apology, but it ain't necessary. There's nothing you need to feel sorry for."
Another kiss to his cheek, then again. Kissing those tears away. Gentle and warm, always.
"I want you to understand that your feelings, your needs, anything about you... they're never something you gotta hide or feel bad about. Not with me. Not with anyone. It should never have been like that for you. You were never meant to be lonely, and I'm so, so sorry that you were, Buck. You won't be, I can promise you that. The sun ain't the star of the show, man - we're a package deal. We're partner, you and I. It's US, not just me and then you somewhere. And..."
He stops. Falls silent, very fast. Pulls back a little and stares at Bucky, wide-eyed, struggling to conceal how horrified he is.
"You don't know that they think highly of you. Do you?"
"Why would they, I mean I don't..." He sniffs, wiping at his eyes with his sleeve even though Sam kissed all his tears away already. "I don't really. Do anything. I'm just home all the time and sad.
Besides. The sun kinda is the star of the show. Like. Literally. To the people." Right? Hes confused by that look on Sam's face. "What?"
If his opinion of Steve has a person rather than a symbol has been shaky after being named a successor candidate without being given a choice, then right now the entire damn thing is folding in on itself and withering miserably.
What the hell is going on?
Sam just stares for a few long seconds, opens his mouth. Closes it.
And then:
"Bucky, the sun does not shine without the moon. It's a cycle. You as the moon give of yourself to make the sun shine, and in return the sun gives of itself so that you can shine as well and grow in strength. The sun and moon are a combined blessing."
A pause, Sam sucking in a sharp breath.
"I will show you. I'll spend my days with you. I'll keep you warm. Because that's what the sun does. And if I fail my moon, then I fail the rest of the world. I have no business traipsing around with barely any light to share while you're cold and bereft."
He swallows, tugs on Bucky's hands and kisses his knuckles.
"I know you didn't really pick me with intent. You just gave your bracelet to someone because you had to, because Steve failed you for years. But I'm your sun. I don't belong to the people. I belong to and with you. You come first, now. As you should have for the past century."
"But I did. I mean I didn't... realize it was all so important, or what it meant but. I picked you. You're..." Bucky's nostrils flare a little bit and he stares at their hands. Together. "Beautiful and funny and you have the best laugh and I just. I used to go to the bar and watch you talk to people."
Which feels like a terrible thing to say. Because it feels like he betrayed Steve somehow. By... Developing a crush?
Falling in love at a distance?
"I made the bracelet with you in mind." Just gonna. Own up to that. "I heard you were there and I wanted to make something and then Steve saw it and said I should give it to someone and you. Were actually there. So."
A couple of things are rattling around in his brain right now. One, has he really been the moon for a century? Two... He knows what 'give of yourself' usually means in these circumstances. And he wants that. Really, really badly.
He just thinks he should be less of a disaster, maybe.
Sam is usually hesitant to share his feelings. Careful, guarded. But Bucky's been suffering, and does not see his own light anymore. Has been dimmed. So perhaps some honesty.
"Steve didn't ask if I wished to be considered for his successor. He told me I was amongst the candidates. And it irked me because I hate when people make choices for me, but. I remembered you, from those times at the bar. When I wished so much that you would talk to me, but I didn't dare go to you. Steve said you didn't like people, and I was afraid if I bothered you, that you might never come back. You were immortal, and I was just... a barkeep. So with the ceremony, I thought, if nothing else, I can see you again for a while."
He looks from their linked hands to the bracelet, still sitting around his wrist. And his heart aches for many a different reason.
"When you gave the bracelet to me, I thought it meant to loved me, too."
A lot of things fall into place, inside of him. That maybe this wasn't all his fault. Maybe he and Steve just weren't meant to be like that. Didn't mean that Bucky was the bad guy. Didn't mean he was undeserving.
Didn't mean he wasn't loved, too.
He's breathing faster than necessary, he realizes, and, well. He does love Sam. Can love Sam. Has no idea how to do that.
He knows how to kiss, though.
He comes in hot but starts soft for such an abrupt beginning. Nibbles gently at Sam's lower lip to get him to part them. Tastes summer in the kiss.
The light in the room shifts and Bucky opens his eyes. Puts a hand on Sam's cheek. "...woah."
It's Sam causing the the light to become so much more intense in the room. It shines out of his skin like something impossible, a far cry from Steve lighting up once a month.
To Sam, Bucky tastes like the crisp air of a beautiful winter night, like the promise of snow in the best way possible. He's like something refreshing, something that soothes you on a hot day. Like the first sip of water after a desert. The slide of their lips is beautiful, and Sam hums in pleasure when he feels Bucky relax, away from the erratic breathing.
And after, he just looks at his mate. Doesn't look down at himself, doesn't behold the way he's become radiant in a literal sense. Just looks at Bucky. And in the depth of Sam's brown eyes, flecked with gold, Bucky will see his own light shining back to him.
"That's all you, Bucky."
Takes Bucky's hand, places it on his skin. Lets him feel the warmth, the light. The glow of a sun who lifts up his moon instead of treating him like a shadow.
"I didn't know," Bucky says softly, but Sam is probably getting the picture that there's quite a bit that Bucky didn't know or wasn't clear on in the last century.
Kind of a travesty.
"I've never been in love before. When Steve and I first..." He gestures between them. "Became immortal we were pretty young, early twenties? And the Council told us there was potential." A small shake of his head. "But it never really became anything."
Sam licks his lips, tries sorting his thoughts. Can't quite grasp everything that went wrong here.
The fact that Bucky never told anyone...
"I'll put you in touch with the council, love," he promises, hand travelling over Buckys arm. Soothing. "They're there to help both of us, not just me. If things were to not work out... if you were unhappy... you can teach out. To me, to them." A soft kiss. "I want to make sure we're building your support network up. You've been isolated and without ways to receive help for too long, love."
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no subject
Date: 2022-12-19 04:19 am (UTC)Eventually.
This time is no different, though he's cutting it close. They go into a mutual heat and rut about once a month, when they can no longer avoid letting their bodies drive them a bit. When they have to indulge in each other to fuel the power exchange that lets Steve exist as a beacon of all things good and right in the world. He's already pulling off his pants when he's through the door, calling out for Bucky.
He's distracted, thoughts elsewhere while they sit on the bed, get their palms slick and start touching each other. Steve's large hands are gentle, but he's clearly in a rush. Halfway through he remembers to tell Bucky they need to finish fast - Steve has things to do and organize.
After, he tells Bucky the reason: He met someone. A mortal woman in England. She's beautiful and kind and he wants to marry her. He wants to be with her. He wants to grow old with her.
Steve has already organized half of his retirement ceremony while he was out on his latest trip and getting to know her. It's practically a done deal by the time he tells Bucky, excited to share all of this with his best friend of more than a century. Steve does not notice that Bucky isn't nearly as enthused as Steve seems to believe him to be. The next few days are flurries of activity, whirlwind of Steve telling Bucky about everything tehy need to get done in order for Steve to step down and pass on the mantle.
He doesn't say that he's passing Bucky along with it. But they both know it to be true.
no subject
Date: 2022-12-20 08:32 pm (UTC)(He never has been. Not once this whole time. His chest hurts every time he's presented with the knowledge of just how true that is.)
There's a choosing ceremony, though Steve tells Bucky it's no big deal and Bucky, bereft and uncertain at the prospect of a long, immortal life without his best friend or, perhaps, of having that same life trapped in another areangement to the convenience of others with no regard to his own needs, believes him. Doesn't ask questions, just does as it gently suggested to him. Including granting a gift made by his own hands to one of three prospects.
He chooses Sam. Sam has a smile that makes his chest ache in a good way, has the richest brown skin Bucky has ever seen, and if Bucky didn't feel like an utter failure in every direction he might have managed to flirt back instead of just handing the bracelets he made over without a word.
He learns that this is what the entire ceremony hinged on, the moon choosing a new sun, and once he's finished being angry at being lied to (somewhat at Steve but mostly at himself) Bucky tells himself that once Sam returns from his introductory tour of the mortal world, Bucky will get his shit together. He just. Needs to fall apart first.
The problem with this plan is that Sam doesn't go on any such tour. He's home, with Bucky, increasingly confused with the latter's behavior and attitude and skittishness which, hey. It confuses Bucky too. Plus he hates it. He feels unmoored and unhinged. His arrangement with Steve was never great but he knew the steps, knew what was going to happen.
Sam is an unknown. An unknown he'd desperately would like to impress or at least come across as normal? Ish? To, only Bucky instead feels as though he's five minutes from a loud breakdown every meal they share in silence. His, mostly. Sam tries engaging him and Bucky manages a few answers but it's not exactly riveting conversation.
Bucky wakes up one morning to the realization that he's overslept. By a lot. And he feels like he's dying.
He doesn't want to call for Sam. He'd rather call Nat, the Guiding Sta, but her last guidance had been 'in the name of all we are, James, just try telling Sam what you need. Or anyone what you need. For once," and he doesn't know what that is.
He knows what it isn't.
It takes a few tries to get his voice to work beyond the fear and self-loathing and whatever other toxic feelings cocktail he's currently under emotionally. But he calls Sam's name a few times and when he hears the footsteps approaching manages to say "I can't do this again."
no subject
Date: 2022-12-20 11:11 pm (UTC)Don't get him wrong - he expected things to be a bit rocky. He's existed in the Inbetween for a while now, just a mortal engaging with the world of those who are not. Like many, he stumbled his way into learning of the supernatural by sheer accident one day. Like few, he's taken to that mostly unshakeable. For years since he's worked at the Gift Basket, a bar for those like him. The bar is a bit of a community hub. It serves the usual (and unusual) drinks of both worlds, but mostly oak known for serving the Gift Basket - a blackout kind of mixture of alcohols that every patron is served once - and only once - the first time they visit the bar after learning that the world is wider than they knew before. It helps them cope.
Point is, he knows how things work pretty damn well from all angles. Knows that sun and moon separating isn't unheard of but extremely unusual. Sam knows Steve Rogers, would call them friends if he he thought someone who has existed as little more than a symbol could have those. Served him drinks a few times. Even to the moon, here and there over the years. The moon is a recluse by choice, as Steve Roger's explains. Not one for company. Not one for travel, either. Sam's a little ashamed of how much those blue eyes stay with him after the very few times he saw him, mostly from a distance. Harmless to crush on a pretty face of.someone beyond your reach, right?
Except then Steven Rogers names him a potential successor without asking and everything happens very fast after that.
The thing is if Steve had asked, Sam would have said no, probably. The Sun is important, but the Sun is also in a partnership with the Moon, and given what little he has heard about Bucky Barnes, Sam's not sure he can meet the man's needs - and that's not even regarding the needs of the world at large. Because Sam wants to help, sure, but he's not sure he can be the kind of symbol Steve Rogers was. Again: he's just a guy.
And then Bucky Barnes chooses him and tips his world upside down.
Sam has two thoughts simultabeously: fuck yes and oh no.
In the end the thrill of being chosen by his future... spouse? Partner? Outweighs Sam's personal feelings on anything else.
It goes to shit from there, and fast.
For being the person who chose Sam, Bucky is distant. Aloof. Sam gets the impression he's not liked nor wanted. So while Steve Rogers travels to England to marry the love of his life, Sam stares down the barrel of immortality shared with a man who doesn't care for his company.
Perhaps he misjudged the choosing. Perhaps Barnes chose because he had to, not because he wanted to. Perhaps Barnes loved the man who left him and is now bereft. So Sam is now caught between sympathy and annoyance, and feels like the situation is fair to neither of them.
He postpones travels. The world won't go to shit without him travelling, his blessings are entirely optional, and he cannot bring warmth and magic when no strength is shared and given between him and his moon. But Bucky is so clearly and obviously unwell that Sam cannot fathom asking to make plans, nor could he justify leaving him behind. Wants to be able to.offer a shared journey, at least. One day, when Bucky can stand the sight of him, perhaps.
It comes as a surprise when one early afternoon, Bucky calls for.him after not showing his face all day. This has not happened before. In fact Sam feels like Bucky might have spoken about three words to him since Sam moved in.
Sam goes to his room, more curious than concerned until he enters the room, and hears those words.
For a moment, he can't move. The room is miserably cold, physically and its very energy, and everything feels gloomy and grey. Bucky looks like he hasn't gotten out of bed at all today, and Sam takes quick strides to his bedside. Sits on the edge of the mattress and touches Bucky's forehead. No fever, but...
"Shit, man, you're cold as ice..."
He's so cold to the touch it scares, Sam, and for a moment he doesn't know what to do about this. How do you deal with someone who is immortal but this kind of sick? Either way, warmth is needed. So Sam takes Buck's ice cold hands in his, gentle, to share warmth.
"Can't do what again?"
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Date: 2022-12-21 05:57 am (UTC)Sam's hands are warm like a summer afternoon and Bucky presses his cheek to them. "I've been really shit and I'm sorry. Steve was never here, you know? He had shit to do. I'm not used to having someone around."
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Date: 2022-12-21 12:32 pm (UTC)Sam softens the tease with a smile, a cocked eyebrow. Because yeah - Bucky's been kinda shit. But sounds like there's been plenty reason for it. Sounds like he's been miserable for reasons that surprise Sam - make him feel incensed on Bucky's behalf. But that's a conversation for later. For now...
"You're not alone - I'm here. Ain't going anywhere."
He holds Bucky's face for a moment longer, then pulls back. Gently hushes Bucky's noise of protest, then climbs under the blanket with him. Makes sure the blanket is tucked nicely around the two of them, up to their chins, then encourages Bucky to crowd in.
"Let's get you warmed up, alright?"
Sharing body heat is easy, after all. Sam knows there's an.expectation for the sun and moon to be romantically and physically involved. Heard all the tales of Steve Roger's and Bucky Barnes. A love story for the ages. Now he questions the validity of all of that.
They rest like that, curled up together for a long while. Sam whispers snippets of conversation to fill not just the bed but also hopefully Bucky's thought with a semblance.of warmth. It helps, but not enough. So eventually, the clothes have got to go. Sam's gentle but practical about it. Doesn't want to push for too much too fast, but has to make.sure Bucky's needs are met here.
They spend another few hours dozing like that, skin to skin. Bucky shivering against Sam, who struggles to keep them.both warm. It's cozy.
It's not enough.
"I need you to trust me. Just relax."
Whispered against the shell of Bucky's ear. Sam likes to have a little more enthusiasm in his consent, but this isn't exactly a normal.kind of situation. So he reaches between his legs. The angle is awkward but he can't pull away from Bucky. Fingers himself enough to get some slick, then gently circles Bucky's soft cock with the same fingers.
Wonders if Steve ever did this for Bucky. Wonders how much Bucky had to miss.
It doesn't take much to coax Bucky into hardness, and Sam doesn't do more than that initially. Just cards his free hand through Buckys hair, whispers gentle encouragement into his ear. And when Bucky feels solid enough in his hand, he shifts them a little. Cradles the man between his legs and guides him inside. Can tell Bucky isn't well enough for more than this, but that's alright.
He just wants to keep Bucky warm for now.
"Rest," he whispers, just holding Bucky in his arms and in his body. "Ain't going anywhere."
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Date: 2022-12-21 05:49 pm (UTC)The rest would be embarrassing — the part where Sam touches him for just a moment and he's already hard even though he has no energy to follow through, isn't even clear on whether or not Sam would want that, the part where Sam guides him inside and just holds him there — if Bucky were less exhausted. Less touch starved.
He cares about Sam a lot. Remembers, now, cajoling Steve to take him to the In Between bar just so he could look at the bartender and daydream. That was ages ago. Does Sam remember him, too?
He's afraid to ask. Recognizes he's not in much of a position to offer anything, anyway. He falls asleep again like that, in Sam's arm, inside Sam's body, until he wakes up, blinking.
"Sam." Quiet, but insisten. "I'm gonna... if you don't want me to, I'm..." Embarrassment colors his features as Bucky tries to remember how to breathe. He doesn't want to cum inside of Sam if Sam doesn't want him to, feels a little pathetic even then — they're not having sex, neither of them is moving — but his body is nearing release.
If Sam becomes disgusted with him it might break his heart even further. He's terrified of that. Even more than he was afraid of Sam's indifference.
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Date: 2022-12-21 06:07 pm (UTC)Equally quiet. Sam feels pleasantly drowsy, having dozed alongside Bucky. Sharing his warmth with his moon. Resting. It's nice like this, Bucky pleasantly cool and soothing instead of ice cold to the touch now. Sampets his hair. Shifts a little to allow Bucky to slide just a little deeper. Gives a happy little sigh at that, utterly content with the feeling.
"You can."
A soft kiss to Bucky's temple.
"Anything you need. Anything you want."
And when he feels the first twitch of Bucky's cock: 'you did so well. Thank you ." and Sam doesn't move away. Runs his hands over Bucky, quietly encouraging him to stay right there. To enjoy feeling his own warm cum make Sam's hole wetter and warmer around Bucky's cock.
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Date: 2022-12-21 08:01 pm (UTC)He sighs, and settles back into Sam's embrace. It keeps happening, the little orgasms, and every time Sam is awake for it Bucky receives a kiss, small praise.
It's very comforting.
The room changes while they're cuddling in there. The blankets thicken up, the bed becomes softer and warmer, sturdier all around. The room becomes less draftyas Bucky's core temperature climbs, and even the wallpaper brightens up.
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Date: 2022-12-21 10:26 pm (UTC)The room changes as the day turns to night and then the sky lights up slowly with dawn.
Bucky will stir to the soft sound of Sam's voice, speaking Arabic in a hushed voice into his phone. When he notices Bucky's eyes open, he reaches out a hand, runs it through his hair. Says something to the person on the other end of the line while keeping fond eyes on Bucky, then ends the conversation. Shoves the phone onto the bedside table and then scoots back in closer to Bucky.
"Morning. How you doing?"
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Date: 2022-12-22 12:48 am (UTC)The words spill out of Bucky in a rush, guilt rising in his throat. Sam is supposed to be for the people of the world, not focused on the Bucky Barnes show.
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Date: 2022-12-22 12:57 am (UTC)Sam doesn't quite shush Bucky, but burrows closer. Kisses his cheek. The corner of his mouth. Doesn't dare go further without permission.
"You've been mourning. You've been lonely. I'm sorry I didn't realize sooner that you needed more from me. I'm here now. And you can have this, Bucky. We're in this together - so I'll keep you warm. Having needs doesn't make you needy. Just means we find ways to get them met."
A vague gesture to the phone.
" I actually just spoke to the Council. Last time I was in touch with them, I asked for their patience while we bond. Today, they asked about you, and I told them we're still settling into our bond. They send their regards to you, and will not rush us. We can let them know when we're ready."
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Date: 2022-12-22 09:57 pm (UTC)A sma puzzled frown. "They never asked about me before."
Correction: Steve Rogers never told Bucky they asked about him. Different.
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Date: 2022-12-22 10:08 pm (UTC)Perhaps they'll get to be more for each other one day.
Sam longs for that, so much.
"They always ask me about you. Don't worry, I'm not sharing all the details. They'd love to see you, if and when you feel up to it." His fingertips drift from Bucky's hair to his cheeks. Trail over the rough stubble there. "Everyone knows you don't like coming out, so no one's expecting that to change. But they'd be very happy to see their moon again. But there's no pressure to do what's not comfortable to you, of course."
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Date: 2022-12-22 10:26 pm (UTC)"Seeing them would be weird," he says, suddenly. "The Council, I mean. They all told me to follow my instincts, with Steve, and they probably think that went well, but it didn't, and... they think so highly of him, all of them, and I don't want to be the one to tell him that he's not great, all the time."
Bucky closes his eyes and breathes. "He would never do this. Just touch. We kinda... we had a system, 'cuz otherwise things got too tense. Between us. And I hated it, but he didn't want me and he was my best friend but I don't. Think. He was that even for a really long time." His breath shudders. "That sounds... terrible. Like I'm an asshole. But he would never do this. I stopped going out because he got annoyed. I only wanted to go to that bar you worked at. He thought I was gonna spend eternity drinking or something, he was embarrassed, I guess, and telling him how I felt was... Like how could I waste his time with something so dumb, so trivial, when the whole world needed him?
So I stopped." Bucky swallows. "I stopped. Going out. Talking to anyone. Keeping track of anything. I know you're friends, I don't..." He opens his eyes. "Sorry. I just. Nat said i should be honest with you, but I'm terrified that if I feel better then you'll be gone, and I'll be here, and it won't...? So I want to feel better and I do when you're here but I can't. I can't have an arrangement like that. I can't do it anymore."
He's crying, he realizes, tears just streaming down his face. He feels angry. At himself. At Steve. At the memory of the friend he loved so much who just became a thing for other people in the end. Who always chose someone else. "Ugh."
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Date: 2022-12-22 10:44 pm (UTC)He shifts closer. Just wraps himself fully around Bucky, offers skin and warmth and closeness that this man has been lacking in his life so sorely.
"I appreciate the apology, but it ain't necessary. There's nothing you need to feel sorry for."
Another kiss to his cheek, then again. Kissing those tears away. Gentle and warm, always.
"I want you to understand that your feelings, your needs, anything about you... they're never something you gotta hide or feel bad about. Not with me. Not with anyone. It should never have been like that for you. You were never meant to be lonely, and I'm so, so sorry that you were, Buck. You won't be, I can promise you that. The sun ain't the star of the show, man - we're a package deal. We're partner, you and I. It's US, not just me and then you somewhere. And..."
He stops. Falls silent, very fast. Pulls back a little and stares at Bucky, wide-eyed, struggling to conceal how horrified he is.
"You don't know that they think highly of you. Do you?"
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Date: 2022-12-22 10:53 pm (UTC)Besides. The sun kinda is the star of the show. Like. Literally. To the people." Right? Hes confused by that look on Sam's face. "What?"
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Date: 2022-12-22 11:08 pm (UTC)What the hell is going on?
Sam just stares for a few long seconds, opens his mouth. Closes it.
And then:
"Bucky, the sun does not shine without the moon. It's a cycle. You as the moon give of yourself to make the sun shine, and in return the sun gives of itself so that you can shine as well and grow in strength. The sun and moon are a combined blessing."
A pause, Sam sucking in a sharp breath.
"I will show you. I'll spend my days with you. I'll keep you warm. Because that's what the sun does. And if I fail my moon, then I fail the rest of the world. I have no business traipsing around with barely any light to share while you're cold and bereft."
He swallows, tugs on Bucky's hands and kisses his knuckles.
"I know you didn't really pick me with intent. You just gave your bracelet to someone because you had to, because Steve failed you for years. But I'm your sun. I don't belong to the people. I belong to and with you. You come first, now. As you should have for the past century."
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Date: 2022-12-22 11:19 pm (UTC)Which feels like a terrible thing to say. Because it feels like he betrayed Steve somehow. By... Developing a crush?
Falling in love at a distance?
"I made the bracelet with you in mind." Just gonna. Own up to that. "I heard you were there and I wanted to make something and then Steve saw it and said I should give it to someone and you. Were actually there. So."
A couple of things are rattling around in his brain right now. One, has he really been the moon for a century? Two... He knows what 'give of yourself' usually means in these circumstances. And he wants that. Really, really badly.
He just thinks he should be less of a disaster, maybe.
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Date: 2022-12-22 11:27 pm (UTC)"Steve didn't ask if I wished to be considered for his successor. He told me I was amongst the candidates. And it irked me because I hate when people make choices for me, but. I remembered you, from those times at the bar. When I wished so much that you would talk to me, but I didn't dare go to you. Steve said you didn't like people, and I was afraid if I bothered you, that you might never come back. You were immortal, and I was just... a barkeep. So with the ceremony, I thought, if nothing else, I can see you again for a while."
He looks from their linked hands to the bracelet, still sitting around his wrist. And his heart aches for many a different reason.
"When you gave the bracelet to me, I thought it meant to loved me, too."
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Date: 2022-12-22 11:47 pm (UTC)A lot of things fall into place, inside of him. That maybe this wasn't all his fault. Maybe he and Steve just weren't meant to be like that. Didn't mean that Bucky was the bad guy. Didn't mean he was undeserving.
Didn't mean he wasn't loved, too.
He's breathing faster than necessary, he realizes, and, well. He does love Sam. Can love Sam. Has no idea how to do that.
He knows how to kiss, though.
He comes in hot but starts soft for such an abrupt beginning. Nibbles gently at Sam's lower lip to get him to part them. Tastes summer in the kiss.
The light in the room shifts and Bucky opens his eyes. Puts a hand on Sam's cheek. "...woah."
It's Sam causing the the light to become so much more intense in the room. It shines out of his skin like something impossible, a far cry from Steve lighting up once a month.
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Date: 2022-12-23 01:16 am (UTC)And after, he just looks at his mate. Doesn't look down at himself, doesn't behold the way he's become radiant in a literal sense. Just looks at Bucky. And in the depth of Sam's brown eyes, flecked with gold, Bucky will see his own light shining back to him.
"That's all you, Bucky."
Takes Bucky's hand, places it on his skin. Lets him feel the warmth, the light. The glow of a sun who lifts up his moon instead of treating him like a shadow.
"See what you can do?"
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Date: 2022-12-23 07:12 pm (UTC)Kind of a travesty.
"I've never been in love before. When Steve and I first..." He gestures between them. "Became immortal we were pretty young, early twenties? And the Council told us there was potential." A small shake of his head. "But it never really became anything."
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Date: 2022-12-27 04:20 am (UTC)The fact that Bucky never told anyone...
"I'll put you in touch with the council, love," he promises, hand travelling over Buckys arm. Soothing. "They're there to help both of us, not just me. If things were to not work out... if you were unhappy... you can teach out. To me, to them." A soft kiss. "I want to make sure we're building your support network up. You've been isolated and without ways to receive help for too long, love."