"...huh." And for a while Bucky is quiet. Turning that over in his mind. Feeling Sam's fingers in his hair and being pleased about it. Glad someone is around to touch him, talk to him, consider him.
"Seeing them would be weird," he says, suddenly. "The Council, I mean. They all told me to follow my instincts, with Steve, and they probably think that went well, but it didn't, and... they think so highly of him, all of them, and I don't want to be the one to tell him that he's not great, all the time."
Bucky closes his eyes and breathes. "He would never do this. Just touch. We kinda... we had a system, 'cuz otherwise things got too tense. Between us. And I hated it, but he didn't want me and he was my best friend but I don't. Think. He was that even for a really long time." His breath shudders. "That sounds... terrible. Like I'm an asshole. But he would never do this. I stopped going out because he got annoyed. I only wanted to go to that bar you worked at. He thought I was gonna spend eternity drinking or something, he was embarrassed, I guess, and telling him how I felt was... Like how could I waste his time with something so dumb, so trivial, when the whole world needed him?
So I stopped." Bucky swallows. "I stopped. Going out. Talking to anyone. Keeping track of anything. I know you're friends, I don't..." He opens his eyes. "Sorry. I just. Nat said i should be honest with you, but I'm terrified that if I feel better then you'll be gone, and I'll be here, and it won't...? So I want to feel better and I do when you're here but I can't. I can't have an arrangement like that. I can't do it anymore."
He's crying, he realizes, tears just streaming down his face. He feels angry. At himself. At Steve. At the memory of the friend he loved so much who just became a thing for other people in the end. Who always chose someone else. "Ugh."
Sam listens, something in his chest hurting oh so very deeply for the man currently nestled inside of him so intimately. This, though, Sam realizes, feels so much more intimate. The way Bucky falls apart, but lays himself bare. It breaks Sam's heart, and it humbles him too, to be allowed this moment of true vulnerability with Bucky.
He shifts closer. Just wraps himself fully around Bucky, offers skin and warmth and closeness that this man has been lacking in his life so sorely.
"I appreciate the apology, but it ain't necessary. There's nothing you need to feel sorry for."
Another kiss to his cheek, then again. Kissing those tears away. Gentle and warm, always.
"I want you to understand that your feelings, your needs, anything about you... they're never something you gotta hide or feel bad about. Not with me. Not with anyone. It should never have been like that for you. You were never meant to be lonely, and I'm so, so sorry that you were, Buck. You won't be, I can promise you that. The sun ain't the star of the show, man - we're a package deal. We're partner, you and I. It's US, not just me and then you somewhere. And..."
He stops. Falls silent, very fast. Pulls back a little and stares at Bucky, wide-eyed, struggling to conceal how horrified he is.
"You don't know that they think highly of you. Do you?"
"Why would they, I mean I don't..." He sniffs, wiping at his eyes with his sleeve even though Sam kissed all his tears away already. "I don't really. Do anything. I'm just home all the time and sad.
Besides. The sun kinda is the star of the show. Like. Literally. To the people." Right? Hes confused by that look on Sam's face. "What?"
If his opinion of Steve has a person rather than a symbol has been shaky after being named a successor candidate without being given a choice, then right now the entire damn thing is folding in on itself and withering miserably.
What the hell is going on?
Sam just stares for a few long seconds, opens his mouth. Closes it.
And then:
"Bucky, the sun does not shine without the moon. It's a cycle. You as the moon give of yourself to make the sun shine, and in return the sun gives of itself so that you can shine as well and grow in strength. The sun and moon are a combined blessing."
A pause, Sam sucking in a sharp breath.
"I will show you. I'll spend my days with you. I'll keep you warm. Because that's what the sun does. And if I fail my moon, then I fail the rest of the world. I have no business traipsing around with barely any light to share while you're cold and bereft."
He swallows, tugs on Bucky's hands and kisses his knuckles.
"I know you didn't really pick me with intent. You just gave your bracelet to someone because you had to, because Steve failed you for years. But I'm your sun. I don't belong to the people. I belong to and with you. You come first, now. As you should have for the past century."
"But I did. I mean I didn't... realize it was all so important, or what it meant but. I picked you. You're..." Bucky's nostrils flare a little bit and he stares at their hands. Together. "Beautiful and funny and you have the best laugh and I just. I used to go to the bar and watch you talk to people."
Which feels like a terrible thing to say. Because it feels like he betrayed Steve somehow. By... Developing a crush?
Falling in love at a distance?
"I made the bracelet with you in mind." Just gonna. Own up to that. "I heard you were there and I wanted to make something and then Steve saw it and said I should give it to someone and you. Were actually there. So."
A couple of things are rattling around in his brain right now. One, has he really been the moon for a century? Two... He knows what 'give of yourself' usually means in these circumstances. And he wants that. Really, really badly.
He just thinks he should be less of a disaster, maybe.
Sam is usually hesitant to share his feelings. Careful, guarded. But Bucky's been suffering, and does not see his own light anymore. Has been dimmed. So perhaps some honesty.
"Steve didn't ask if I wished to be considered for his successor. He told me I was amongst the candidates. And it irked me because I hate when people make choices for me, but. I remembered you, from those times at the bar. When I wished so much that you would talk to me, but I didn't dare go to you. Steve said you didn't like people, and I was afraid if I bothered you, that you might never come back. You were immortal, and I was just... a barkeep. So with the ceremony, I thought, if nothing else, I can see you again for a while."
He looks from their linked hands to the bracelet, still sitting around his wrist. And his heart aches for many a different reason.
"When you gave the bracelet to me, I thought it meant to loved me, too."
A lot of things fall into place, inside of him. That maybe this wasn't all his fault. Maybe he and Steve just weren't meant to be like that. Didn't mean that Bucky was the bad guy. Didn't mean he was undeserving.
Didn't mean he wasn't loved, too.
He's breathing faster than necessary, he realizes, and, well. He does love Sam. Can love Sam. Has no idea how to do that.
He knows how to kiss, though.
He comes in hot but starts soft for such an abrupt beginning. Nibbles gently at Sam's lower lip to get him to part them. Tastes summer in the kiss.
The light in the room shifts and Bucky opens his eyes. Puts a hand on Sam's cheek. "...woah."
It's Sam causing the the light to become so much more intense in the room. It shines out of his skin like something impossible, a far cry from Steve lighting up once a month.
To Sam, Bucky tastes like the crisp air of a beautiful winter night, like the promise of snow in the best way possible. He's like something refreshing, something that soothes you on a hot day. Like the first sip of water after a desert. The slide of their lips is beautiful, and Sam hums in pleasure when he feels Bucky relax, away from the erratic breathing.
And after, he just looks at his mate. Doesn't look down at himself, doesn't behold the way he's become radiant in a literal sense. Just looks at Bucky. And in the depth of Sam's brown eyes, flecked with gold, Bucky will see his own light shining back to him.
"That's all you, Bucky."
Takes Bucky's hand, places it on his skin. Lets him feel the warmth, the light. The glow of a sun who lifts up his moon instead of treating him like a shadow.
"I didn't know," Bucky says softly, but Sam is probably getting the picture that there's quite a bit that Bucky didn't know or wasn't clear on in the last century.
Kind of a travesty.
"I've never been in love before. When Steve and I first..." He gestures between them. "Became immortal we were pretty young, early twenties? And the Council told us there was potential." A small shake of his head. "But it never really became anything."
Sam licks his lips, tries sorting his thoughts. Can't quite grasp everything that went wrong here.
The fact that Bucky never told anyone...
"I'll put you in touch with the council, love," he promises, hand travelling over Buckys arm. Soothing. "They're there to help both of us, not just me. If things were to not work out... if you were unhappy... you can teach out. To me, to them." A soft kiss. "I want to make sure we're building your support network up. You've been isolated and without ways to receive help for too long, love."
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Date: 2022-12-22 10:26 pm (UTC)"Seeing them would be weird," he says, suddenly. "The Council, I mean. They all told me to follow my instincts, with Steve, and they probably think that went well, but it didn't, and... they think so highly of him, all of them, and I don't want to be the one to tell him that he's not great, all the time."
Bucky closes his eyes and breathes. "He would never do this. Just touch. We kinda... we had a system, 'cuz otherwise things got too tense. Between us. And I hated it, but he didn't want me and he was my best friend but I don't. Think. He was that even for a really long time." His breath shudders. "That sounds... terrible. Like I'm an asshole. But he would never do this. I stopped going out because he got annoyed. I only wanted to go to that bar you worked at. He thought I was gonna spend eternity drinking or something, he was embarrassed, I guess, and telling him how I felt was... Like how could I waste his time with something so dumb, so trivial, when the whole world needed him?
So I stopped." Bucky swallows. "I stopped. Going out. Talking to anyone. Keeping track of anything. I know you're friends, I don't..." He opens his eyes. "Sorry. I just. Nat said i should be honest with you, but I'm terrified that if I feel better then you'll be gone, and I'll be here, and it won't...? So I want to feel better and I do when you're here but I can't. I can't have an arrangement like that. I can't do it anymore."
He's crying, he realizes, tears just streaming down his face. He feels angry. At himself. At Steve. At the memory of the friend he loved so much who just became a thing for other people in the end. Who always chose someone else. "Ugh."
no subject
Date: 2022-12-22 10:44 pm (UTC)He shifts closer. Just wraps himself fully around Bucky, offers skin and warmth and closeness that this man has been lacking in his life so sorely.
"I appreciate the apology, but it ain't necessary. There's nothing you need to feel sorry for."
Another kiss to his cheek, then again. Kissing those tears away. Gentle and warm, always.
"I want you to understand that your feelings, your needs, anything about you... they're never something you gotta hide or feel bad about. Not with me. Not with anyone. It should never have been like that for you. You were never meant to be lonely, and I'm so, so sorry that you were, Buck. You won't be, I can promise you that. The sun ain't the star of the show, man - we're a package deal. We're partner, you and I. It's US, not just me and then you somewhere. And..."
He stops. Falls silent, very fast. Pulls back a little and stares at Bucky, wide-eyed, struggling to conceal how horrified he is.
"You don't know that they think highly of you. Do you?"
no subject
Date: 2022-12-22 10:53 pm (UTC)Besides. The sun kinda is the star of the show. Like. Literally. To the people." Right? Hes confused by that look on Sam's face. "What?"
no subject
Date: 2022-12-22 11:08 pm (UTC)What the hell is going on?
Sam just stares for a few long seconds, opens his mouth. Closes it.
And then:
"Bucky, the sun does not shine without the moon. It's a cycle. You as the moon give of yourself to make the sun shine, and in return the sun gives of itself so that you can shine as well and grow in strength. The sun and moon are a combined blessing."
A pause, Sam sucking in a sharp breath.
"I will show you. I'll spend my days with you. I'll keep you warm. Because that's what the sun does. And if I fail my moon, then I fail the rest of the world. I have no business traipsing around with barely any light to share while you're cold and bereft."
He swallows, tugs on Bucky's hands and kisses his knuckles.
"I know you didn't really pick me with intent. You just gave your bracelet to someone because you had to, because Steve failed you for years. But I'm your sun. I don't belong to the people. I belong to and with you. You come first, now. As you should have for the past century."
no subject
Date: 2022-12-22 11:19 pm (UTC)Which feels like a terrible thing to say. Because it feels like he betrayed Steve somehow. By... Developing a crush?
Falling in love at a distance?
"I made the bracelet with you in mind." Just gonna. Own up to that. "I heard you were there and I wanted to make something and then Steve saw it and said I should give it to someone and you. Were actually there. So."
A couple of things are rattling around in his brain right now. One, has he really been the moon for a century? Two... He knows what 'give of yourself' usually means in these circumstances. And he wants that. Really, really badly.
He just thinks he should be less of a disaster, maybe.
no subject
Date: 2022-12-22 11:27 pm (UTC)"Steve didn't ask if I wished to be considered for his successor. He told me I was amongst the candidates. And it irked me because I hate when people make choices for me, but. I remembered you, from those times at the bar. When I wished so much that you would talk to me, but I didn't dare go to you. Steve said you didn't like people, and I was afraid if I bothered you, that you might never come back. You were immortal, and I was just... a barkeep. So with the ceremony, I thought, if nothing else, I can see you again for a while."
He looks from their linked hands to the bracelet, still sitting around his wrist. And his heart aches for many a different reason.
"When you gave the bracelet to me, I thought it meant to loved me, too."
no subject
Date: 2022-12-22 11:47 pm (UTC)A lot of things fall into place, inside of him. That maybe this wasn't all his fault. Maybe he and Steve just weren't meant to be like that. Didn't mean that Bucky was the bad guy. Didn't mean he was undeserving.
Didn't mean he wasn't loved, too.
He's breathing faster than necessary, he realizes, and, well. He does love Sam. Can love Sam. Has no idea how to do that.
He knows how to kiss, though.
He comes in hot but starts soft for such an abrupt beginning. Nibbles gently at Sam's lower lip to get him to part them. Tastes summer in the kiss.
The light in the room shifts and Bucky opens his eyes. Puts a hand on Sam's cheek. "...woah."
It's Sam causing the the light to become so much more intense in the room. It shines out of his skin like something impossible, a far cry from Steve lighting up once a month.
no subject
Date: 2022-12-23 01:16 am (UTC)And after, he just looks at his mate. Doesn't look down at himself, doesn't behold the way he's become radiant in a literal sense. Just looks at Bucky. And in the depth of Sam's brown eyes, flecked with gold, Bucky will see his own light shining back to him.
"That's all you, Bucky."
Takes Bucky's hand, places it on his skin. Lets him feel the warmth, the light. The glow of a sun who lifts up his moon instead of treating him like a shadow.
"See what you can do?"
no subject
Date: 2022-12-23 07:12 pm (UTC)Kind of a travesty.
"I've never been in love before. When Steve and I first..." He gestures between them. "Became immortal we were pretty young, early twenties? And the Council told us there was potential." A small shake of his head. "But it never really became anything."
no subject
Date: 2022-12-27 04:20 am (UTC)The fact that Bucky never told anyone...
"I'll put you in touch with the council, love," he promises, hand travelling over Buckys arm. Soothing. "They're there to help both of us, not just me. If things were to not work out... if you were unhappy... you can teach out. To me, to them." A soft kiss. "I want to make sure we're building your support network up. You've been isolated and without ways to receive help for too long, love."