"...huh." And for a while Bucky is quiet. Turning that over in his mind. Feeling Sam's fingers in his hair and being pleased about it. Glad someone is around to touch him, talk to him, consider him.
"Seeing them would be weird," he says, suddenly. "The Council, I mean. They all told me to follow my instincts, with Steve, and they probably think that went well, but it didn't, and... they think so highly of him, all of them, and I don't want to be the one to tell him that he's not great, all the time."
Bucky closes his eyes and breathes. "He would never do this. Just touch. We kinda... we had a system, 'cuz otherwise things got too tense. Between us. And I hated it, but he didn't want me and he was my best friend but I don't. Think. He was that even for a really long time." His breath shudders. "That sounds... terrible. Like I'm an asshole. But he would never do this. I stopped going out because he got annoyed. I only wanted to go to that bar you worked at. He thought I was gonna spend eternity drinking or something, he was embarrassed, I guess, and telling him how I felt was... Like how could I waste his time with something so dumb, so trivial, when the whole world needed him?
So I stopped." Bucky swallows. "I stopped. Going out. Talking to anyone. Keeping track of anything. I know you're friends, I don't..." He opens his eyes. "Sorry. I just. Nat said i should be honest with you, but I'm terrified that if I feel better then you'll be gone, and I'll be here, and it won't...? So I want to feel better and I do when you're here but I can't. I can't have an arrangement like that. I can't do it anymore."
He's crying, he realizes, tears just streaming down his face. He feels angry. At himself. At Steve. At the memory of the friend he loved so much who just became a thing for other people in the end. Who always chose someone else. "Ugh."
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"Seeing them would be weird," he says, suddenly. "The Council, I mean. They all told me to follow my instincts, with Steve, and they probably think that went well, but it didn't, and... they think so highly of him, all of them, and I don't want to be the one to tell him that he's not great, all the time."
Bucky closes his eyes and breathes. "He would never do this. Just touch. We kinda... we had a system, 'cuz otherwise things got too tense. Between us. And I hated it, but he didn't want me and he was my best friend but I don't. Think. He was that even for a really long time." His breath shudders. "That sounds... terrible. Like I'm an asshole. But he would never do this. I stopped going out because he got annoyed. I only wanted to go to that bar you worked at. He thought I was gonna spend eternity drinking or something, he was embarrassed, I guess, and telling him how I felt was... Like how could I waste his time with something so dumb, so trivial, when the whole world needed him?
So I stopped." Bucky swallows. "I stopped. Going out. Talking to anyone. Keeping track of anything. I know you're friends, I don't..." He opens his eyes. "Sorry. I just. Nat said i should be honest with you, but I'm terrified that if I feel better then you'll be gone, and I'll be here, and it won't...? So I want to feel better and I do when you're here but I can't. I can't have an arrangement like that. I can't do it anymore."
He's crying, he realizes, tears just streaming down his face. He feels angry. At himself. At Steve. At the memory of the friend he loved so much who just became a thing for other people in the end. Who always chose someone else. "Ugh."